Finding Your "Match Made in Jannah" | Faith Events Conference Notes
How does one seek a spouse the Islamic way? What does completing half of the deen even mean? What are the objectives or maqasid of an Islamic marriage? These are the questions swimming in my mind prior to the “Match Made in Jannah” conference with Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim and Shaikh Ali Hammuda in September 2023 organised by the Faith Events team in Malaysia.
(There is no difference, as far as I’m aware, between the spelling “Shaykh” and “Shaikh”. I use them interchangeably and depending on how the Internet spells it with regards to the person.)
The Common Understanding of Marriage in Islam
It is widely known and understood that intimate relations between man and woman outside of marriage is forbidden. This is first and foremost God's command with benefits of protecting the sanctity of a person and preventing social breakdown.
When marriage is disregarded altogether, this may lead to a lack of accountability and responsibility especially in the case when an offspring is produced. Another common understanding is that a monogamous relationship is preferred (even though a strict polygamy is allowed) and homosexual relations are forbidden. As such, the following discussion only pertains a marital relationship between a man and a woman.
The Higher Islamic Objectives or Maqasid of Marriage
Collated from various sources, scholars and usul (the principles of Islamic jurisprudence), Shaikh Ali Hammuda laid out six higher objectives of marriage in Islam.
1. The search for Allah’s acceptance and reward (ihtisab)
Sharia gives perimeters, protection, and regulation when it comes to marriage between spouses. When observed with akhlaq (good manners), marriage becomes an act of ibadah (worship) that actively glorifies Allah. Both the husaband and wife may reap rewards for the now and hereafter.
2. The search for the happiness of the Prophet ﷺ
By getting into marriage, one would already be stepping into the shoes of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. And whoever follows the practice of the Prophet would gain his happiness. If a couple is blessed with children, teaching them Islam, then they are playing the part of increasing the people of the Prophet ﷺ which will show in numbers on the Day of Judgement.
3. The search for inner peace
Even without reading any psychological studies, we intuitively know that being with someone we love, respect and admire can improve our emotional wellbeing. Of course, it goes without saying that this is contingent upon a happy, healthy marriage. Shaikh Ali Hammuda mentioned that marriage can act as therapy in itself, providing rest and tranquility.
4. The search for chastity
As a Muslim, one is encouraged and expected to keep chaste until the point of marriage. Why? It is mainly to maintain social order. Sheikh Ali Hammuda pointed out that one of the reasons for the decline of the Roman Empire was the spread of immorality and sexual decadence, leading to social decline. However, I didn’t quite understand how this is a purpose of marriage instead of being just a value as a Muslim.
5. The search for righteous children
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍۢ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
˹They are˺ those who pray, “Our Lord! Bless us with ˹pious˺ spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.”
[Quran 25:74]
This ayat refers to one of the attributes of the servants of the Most Gracious.
We all know that children are the extension of life. They are our legacy that will continue after our deaths. So it is crucial that parents shape the legacy in a way that is honourable and righteous.
6. The search for a well-positioned Ummah
Raising righteous children will ultimately result in a healthy community. Children will grow up to lead communities and even nations. Who wouldn’t want a leader that can guide their citizens towards justice and prosperity? As such, one can argue that a healthy marriage with righteous spouses and children is the foundation to building a better world. If a home is stable, everything external can be dealt with.
The Ummah will be the stronghold that leads the world from darkness to disbelief to the light of Islam.
Why A Healthy Marriage and Righteous Spouse?
It’s almost silly to ask the question “why is a healthy marriage needed?”
Based on our collective observation, we know that a healthy marriage:
- provides satisfaction and happiness for both parties
- ensures that each spouse knows and upholds their responsibilities
- has the capacity to contribute to the growth of a healthy society
Adhering to the Maqasid of Marriage, a righteous pair of spouse is key to building a healthy marriage. They would possess strong Islamic values and good manners, which would be passed down to their children who will be leaders of society.
It’s as simple as that. If you want to see a thriving society, you need to cultivate and practice good values, and then pass them on to the next generation.
Winning at Marriage
Just like one’s financial wealth, marriage is a blessing or rizq from God. Muslims know that rizq is predetermined for everyone. But that doesn’t mean one should do nothing. One should still strive for the best based on one’s circumstance and leave the rest to Allah.
I didn’t have the desire for marriage until quite recently. Hence my attending this conference.
And no, I’m not pressured to marry just because I’m getting older and society seems to expect it. I’m just genuinely interested to learn more.
The Western way of doing “relationships” may not serve the objective of marriage in Islam.
The romance and roses should not dominate the dating or courtship stage. That should be reserved for after marriage.
So how does one get to know the other without being intimate?
Know thyself first...
Not many know this but Islam actually encourages one to know who you are and what you desire. Once that’s established, it would be easier to find a suitable spouse.
Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim advised that prior to marriage, we should:
- define our goals in marriage
- determine what a successful marriage looks like
While the higher objectives may be laid out, each of us has different views and expectations of what marriage should be like. And that’s okay.
So work out your childhood trauma, know your strengths and weaknesses, learn new things, and simply live life.
...and then decide who you want
Most of the time, we gravitate to someone who shares similar values and goals. Personally, I consider those as the foundation of a union. Create a list of what kind of person you’d like. But be mindful so as to not be unrealistic and be open if some boxes don’t tick.
As long as the values and goals align, God willing the marriage will be a good one.
5 Pillars of a Functional Marriage
Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim pointed out the five pillars of a functional marriage if one is to be blessed with a spouse.
- Relationship with Allah: be conscious of the silent witness i.e. God the All-Knowing.
- Personal development: you can’t be better spouse if you're not trying to be better on a personal level, so keep learning and growing.
- Communication: this is key to a healthy marriage especially during conflicts where communication is necessary to nourish the marriage.
- Conflict resolution: a healthy marriage does not mean one that is devoid of problems. the key is to resolve conflicts in a diplomatic way instead of allowing emotions to take over. this is why open and honest communication is important.
- Understanding each other's love language: based on the teaching of the Prophet ﷺ, every heart has a different key; so it is incumbent upon us to understand our partner well.
What’s Your North Star?
In Islam, marriage acts as one of the drivers of a Muslim’s North Star, which is Jannah. Regardless of the situation, a Muslim aims to please God. And marriage is one of the things in this life that does so.
Ideally, we should approach marriage with complete commitment, acceptance, respect, optimism, empathy, and taqwa.
Put in the work, trust the process, and leave the rest to Allah.
I leave you now with a du’a (as Shaykh Yahya did) in hopes that Allah grant us ease and barakah in our endeavours.
رَبَّنَآ ءَاتِنَا فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا حَسَنَةًۭ وَفِى ٱلْـَٔاخِرَةِ حَسَنَةًۭ وَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ
Rabbana atina fid dunya hasanatan wa fil Aakhirati hasanatan waqina ‘adhaban-nar
“Our Lord! Grant us the good of this world and the Hereafter, and protect us from the torment of the Fire.”
[Quran 2:201]
Comments ()